Warning! This is a long, possible whinge-infested entry. Read at your own risk. I do not make claims at sunshine and rainbows in this post.

I wrote this post yesterday, just so you know. I'm not actually *at* the computer.

The reason for this is simple, I need a break. Not from blogging but from the choking mess of life I've created the past few months. I've been noticing a change over me, and so has other people. Thursday, a friend of mine hit a nail on the head when she said she could tell I was unhappy in my marriage. It's not my marriage so much that I have fallen into a heavy state of despondency.

The question was "Why am I unhappy?" I should be able to answer that immediately but the truth is that I have no idea what I'm unhappy about, let alone why.

The next question, "What do I want?"

I honestly don't know, not exactly, that is. I have a vague idea of what it might be, but I confuse easily.

I've reached a point where I am aware that I am dissatisfied, although by all accounts I really should not be because I have a great life. Being aware is a beginning, but the rest comes from figuring out what it is I'm wanting. I'm not even sure it matters that I know what I want. I want to be happy with what I have. That requires taking the time to appreciate it, to enjoy it. I want to saturate my soul with the savory blessings I'm already drenched in.

My kids are healthy and one is rebounding quicker to an injury than originally thought. My finances are not down the shitter this time (knock on wood). My husband, although sometimes an irritating anomaly to me, is really great to have and love. He can be the sweetest hard-shelled cowboy you'll ever know, but he does have faults. I love him dearly. I'll build on that then.

I suppose what it boils down to is that I have a weak sense of self and I'm trying, in vain, to identify 'who I am'. I'm seeking this validation through others, through my talents, my likes and dislikes, my job, my hobbies. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Should I be, instead, focusing on being what I want to be, being happy with myself and my life, and letting the rest of my external components reflect that?

I'm going to be taking some time off from everything. I know I've said that before and never followed through. It is a fault of mine that has hindered progress. But I need this, people. This time I need to stop thinking about how I am leaving people at a stalemate while I wander off in search of Sue. I need to stop feeling responsible for how other people feel. In all honesty, if you were a friend, you wouldn't feel neglected or rejected because I needed some solitude and reflection, right? Wouldn't a friend trust that I will not let the bond die because I need to put priorities first?

It is the one thing holding me back from walking down this path. I am afraid—nearly crippled with this fear—that others will not wait for me; that people will say I didn't care enough to stick around. Can I trust you to believe in me to still be your friend? Can you trust me enough to believe that I will still call you friend?

I am not sure how long this will take. It is not something one can assign a time limit to, nor can one predict how things will turn out in the end. I have a little bit of hope left. It's burning a whole in my pocket, so to speak, and this is what I'm spending it on.